Navigating Ambivalence: How to Decide If Couples Counselling Is Right for Your Relationship?

Deciding whether to engage in couples counselling can be a challenging process, especially when you’re feeling ambivalent about the state of your relationship. Relationship ambivalence feels like a ‘stuckness’ for some, while for others, it’s a constant state of to-ing and fro-ing – it’s not ‘terrible’ or ‘bad enough to leave’ although, it’s also not ‘satisfying’ or ‘good enough to stay’ in its current state.

This article aims to guide you through some of the key decision points and perceived barriers that might be holding you back, ultimately helping you move towards a confident decision that could enhance your relationship.

Understanding Ambivalence: The First Step

Ambivalence is a common feeling when it comes to couples counselling. On one hand, you might recognise that your relationship could benefit from professional help, but on the other, you may feel uncertain about the process, worry about opening old wounds, or fear that counselling might confirm your worst fears about your relationship.

The first critical decision point involves assessing your commitment to the relationship.

Ask yourself:

• What do I value about my relationship?
• Am I willing to put in the effort to work through our challenges?
• What would I regret if I /we didn’t try to make this relationship work?

If you find that you still value the relationship and have a desire to improve it, then couples counselling could be a valuable tool to help you achieve that goal.

What’s Holding You Back?

Understanding the common barriers to couples counselling can help you address them directly:

1. Can I trust the process to be fair and balanced? One of the most common concerns is the fear that counselling will turn into a blame game, with one partner feeling targeted or at fault. However, a skilled therapist will ensure that the focus remains on the relationship dynamics rather than assigning blame to one person.

Consider whether you’re open to exploring your relationship in a non-judgmental space where both partners can share their perspectives.

2. Stigma and Privacy Concerns: Some couples worry about the stigma associated with seeking therapy or fear that their private issues will be exposed. Research indicates that approximately 50% of married couples in Australia engage in some form of relationship counselling. This reflects a significant portion of the population seeking professional help to manage and improve their relationships. Moreover, many couples will discuss relationship therapy outcomes across informal discussions with their trusted peer networks, further reducing the stigma of accessing support. If your therapist is a qualified, registered psychologist, there are ethical, professional and legal regulations and processes in place that protect your confidentiality and privacy. Further, online therapy options greater enhance your in-home privacy when accessing couples therapy, as opposed to in-office services.

3.     Doubts About Effectiveness: You might be sceptical about whether counselling will work for you. A study by Atkins et al. (2005) found that couples who participated in Gottman Method Couples Therapy experienced significant improvements in relationship satisfaction. Specifically, about 75% of couples reported positive, sustained changes in their relationship following therapy.

Research has shown that couples maintain these gains over time. For instance, a follow-up study found that couples who underwent Gottman Therapy retained improvements in relationship satisfaction up to three years after completing therapy.

4.     Financial and Time Constraints: The cost of therapy and the time commitment required can be a significant concern for many couples. Can I view this as an investment in my relationship and myself? Think about the long-term costs of unresolved issues or formal separation / divorce proceedings versus the potential benefits of a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. We place time and resources into things that are important to us.

If you’ve recognised that your relationship is worth investing in, and you’ve worked through your perceived barriers, it’s time to consider making that commitment to couples counselling.

Taking the Next Step with The Couples Clinic:

If you’ve reached the point where you’re leaning towards a ‘yes’ to couples counselling, consider taking the following steps:

1. Review Our Specialist Therapists: At The Couples Clinic, we are senior psychologists and relationship professionals. Both Kasia and Brett have undertaken the highest level of professional training in gold-standard marital and relationship therapy training (Certified Gottman Therapists and Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (Certification in-progress). We treat a wide and diverse range of relationship issues, including conflict management, sex and intimacy issues, affairs and infidelity as well as anger and substance / behavioural misuse issues.
2. Have a Conversation with Your Partner: Share your thoughts and concerns openly and discuss the possibility of starting therapy together.
3. Schedule a Discovery Call: Our therapists offer free (10-15min) initial Discovery Calls to help you and your partner determine if they’re a good fit for your needs

What does your relationship stand to gain?

• Improved Communication: Couples counselling can provide you with tools and strategies to communicate more effectively, leading to less conflict and greater understanding.
• Deeper Emotional Connection: Counselling can help you and your partner reconnect on an emotional level, fostering greater intimacy and trust.
• Conflict Resolution Skills: You’ll learn how to manage disagreements more constructively, reducing the likelihood of escalating conflicts in the future.
• Renewed Hope for the Future: Many couples find that counselling renews their hope for the future of their relationship, giving them the strength to overcome challenges together.

Seeking help is a courageous and proactive step towards building a stronger, more resilient relationship. Whether you’re facing minor conflicts or major challenges, couples counselling with Kasia or Brett at The Couples Clinic can provide you with the support and tools you need to navigate your relationship successfully.