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Written by Psychologist and Certified Gottman Therapist, Brett Somers
Content Advisory: This article addresses a highly sensitive topic that may be distressing for some readers, particularly those who have experienced or are processing a relationship betrayal. We encourage individuals who are currently navigating this issue or who have done so in the past to approach the content with care and to prioritise their wellbeing while reading.
Betrayal can take many forms. When discussing relationship betrayals, infidelity—both physical and emotional—often comes to mind. However, betrayal encompasses any act that undermines trust or confidence within a relationship.
It involves actions that are disloyal, deceptive, or harmful to another person, resulting in significant feelings of hurt, disappointment, and a loss of faith in a partner or the relationship.
While the following information can be applied to most types of betrayal, the below content is provided in the context of infidelities and affairs in intimate relationships.
First and foremost, what you are experiencing is deeply distressing and should never have occurred. It is understandable to feel pain and fear, as it may seem as though your world has changed entirely. You might find yourself questioning every aspect of your relationship and doubting the positive moments you once cherished. The person you trusted to support and protect you has let you down, which raises difficult questions about how to heal and rebuild a meaningful connection with them.
Anger, sadness, hurt, despair, anxiety, and heartbreak are all very reasonable emotions to experience. While it may feel overwhelming, especially in the aftermath of a betrayal, recovery is indeed possible. With dedication, and the support of a skilled therapist, couples can navigate the pain of betrayal and begin to heal.
It is essential for both partners to be fully committed to the recovery process. Before starting therapy, each individual should reflect on their willingness to engage in the work necessary to repair the relationship and their desire to make amends.
Once both partners are committed to repair and reconciliation, the process of rebuilding trust can commence. The Gottman Trust Revival Method is an effective framework designed to help couples move beyond betrayal and cultivate a healthier, more trusting connection.
This approach promotes healing and growth, transforming the relationship into a more resilient and loving partnership. Grounded in extensive research on relationship dynamics, the method emphasises the importance of fostering emotional connection and trust.
With the support of a skilled therapist, couples can effectively navigate the challenges of overcoming a relationship betrayal and start the process of rebuilding trust. By employing the Gottman Trust Revival Method, and working through the following phases, couples significantly enhance their chances of emerging from this experience with a stronger, healthier relationship.
Atone
The individual who engaged in the affair must fully accept responsibility for their actions, without justification or excuses. A casual or dismissive attitude toward infidelity, or a failure to acknowledge one’s role, does not facilitate healing for the partner who has been hurt. This lack of accountability can lead to ongoing uncertainty about whether similar actions may occur in the future.
By openly acknowledging their wrongdoing, without defensiveness, the person who committed the infidelity reassures the hurt partner that their actions were not a reflection of any shortcomings in the relationship. This acknowledgment also reinforces the shared values that existed prior to the betrayal, such as the understanding that infidelity is wrong and unacceptable (assuming these were indeed mutually shared values prior).
Proper atonement extends beyond merely acknowledging one’s actions and accepting responsibility. It involves a sincere commitment to repair the relationship and make amends. Crucially, it also requires expressing genuine empathy and understanding of the harm caused, as well as validating the feelings of the affected individual.
Attune
In essence, attunement enhances communication and intimacy by creating a shared understanding and mutual respect. In relationships, attunement fosters deeper emotional connections by enabling individuals to understand and support one another effectively.
In the recovery process following a betrayal, the ability to attune to each other’s experiences is crucial for repair. Given the many challenges and external reminders (triggers) that may arise, mutual attunement will help couples navigate these difficulties together.
Therapy enables couples to better align with each other’s emotional states and needs. Within the supportive therapeutic environment, couples can enhance their ability to perceive and respond to their own feelings as well as those of their partner. This awareness is essential for rebuilding trust in the relationship.
Attach
A space for infidelity often emerges from a combination of existing disconnection and the presence of opportunity. Therefore, focusing on a couple’s attachment is crucial for the healing process.
It is likely that many attachment needs have gone unmet within the relationship for an extended period. If couples struggle to communicate effectively about these unmet attachment needs or fail to attune to each other, those needs will persist and erode connection.
Supporting couples in understanding themselves and each other better, facilitating discussions about their attachment needs, and developing strategies to meet those needs is essential. Therapy provides a safe environment for this exploration, allowing both partners to move towards their underlying physical and emotional connection needs.
Final thoughts
Experiencing and attempting to recover from a betrayal is both challenging and complex. Prior to the affair, you might have held a black-and-white perspective, viewing infidelity as an absolute deal breaker. However, the reality is far more nuanced.
Repairing a relationship after an affair requires time, as the emotional wounds can be profound. Nonetheless, with patience, dedication, and appropriate support, couples can often emerge with a stronger and more loving relationship than before. This process typically requires couples therapy with an experienced therapist to guide couples through the complexities of healing.
If you would like to talk about your therapy needs, please book a complimentary Discovery Call with one of our practitioners today.
