Narcissistic parenting can profoundly shape a child’s development and long-term relationship patterns. A narcissistic parent is often unable to provide the empathetic attunement that infants and young children need to form secure attachments. This is because they lack the self-regulation, emotional maturity, and capacity for intimate connection that is needed to form trusting bonds. This lack of emotional connection and regulation can result in complex psychological and relational consequences for their children that persist into adulthood. Even if there is a loving parent figure in the family system, as the narcissist’s partner they may be likely to have an insecure attachment pattern (or trauma bond) that denies and enables narcissistic abuse. They typically model a fear-based relationship to the narcissist.
Hallmarks of Narcissistic Parenting
A narcissistic parent projects their inner turmoil onto their children. As such, they tend to vacillate between feelings of shame and compensatory superiority. This pattern treats their children to a rollercoaster of cycles of idealisation and devaluation, creating an unstable, ‘survivalist’ home environment. Children are often subjected to emotional manipulation, inconsistent behaviour and unrealistic expectations that serve the parent’s needs rather than the child’s well-being.
Key dynamics typically seen in these families include:
This inconsistent, emotionally charged environment may also include behaviours such as pitting family members against each other (triangulation), smear campaigns, and condemning one child while glamorising another. Understandably, children learn to internalise some key ‘rules’ and strategies for coping when there is a narcissistic parent figure. Some core rules and coping mechanisms are overviewed in the next section.
Life Rules for Children Raised by a Narcissist
Children raised by a narcissistic parent learn to adapt to their environment by developing survival strategies. They internalise “rules” as a means of coping with the unpredictability and emotional instability of their parent (or parent figure).
Suppress Your Needs
In a healthy parenting system, the parent mirrors their child’s emotions because they are attuned to them. When they notice their child is upset, they will calibrate their tone and ask how they are feeling. For a narcissistic parent, if the child’s mood is at odds with theirs (e.g., the child is sad when the parent is happy), the parent might view the child as being disloyal. Narcissistic parents often neglect their child’s hopes, preferences or beliefs. Children learn to doubt the legitimacy of their own needs or wishes and learn that that their needs are an inconvenience to the parent and may lead to punishment or neglect.
When a child is placed in a caregiving or adult role within the family, often taking on responsibilities beyond their age, they often become adults who struggle to assert their boundaries. As adults, they may suppress their own needs and prioritise others, believing their worth is tied to self-sacrifice or pleasing others. This may manifest as continually prioritising their partner’s needs at the expense of their own. While this may temporarily gain approval, it often leaves them feeling unseen and exhausted, as their own attachment needs remain unmet.
Proving Worth for Love
Narcissistic parents often give love conditionally, based on the child’s achievements. They may demand perfection from their children to maintain the family’s idealised image. If the child does what the parent wants them to do, then that child will be praised and valued. If they don’t, they may be ignored or criticised. This teaches children that their value is tied to what they do rather than who they are. The child feels they must seek to excel or risk rejection.
In adulthood, they may become overachievers or people-pleasers, seeking external validation or success as a substitute for self-worth. This can lead to anxiety, burnout, or an ongoing fear of failure.
Be Useful, Not Seen
Authentic emotional expression in children is often punished or invalidated. To avoid conflict, children might learn to hide their feelings or adopt a stoic persona. If a child complains or protests about the minimising or shaming behaviour, the narcissistic parent may engage in a propaganda campaign that denies abuse and promotes delusions of exceptionalism or victimhood. Unfortunately, these delusions that may be supported by outsiders who are naïve to the parent’s persuasive public persona or whom are trauma-bonded to the parent. Children may adapt by minimising their presence to avoid attracting the parent’s ire, or by becoming overly helpful, hoping their usefulness will earn them affection.
As adults, they may either struggle with emotional intimacy, finding it difficult to connect with their own or others’ emotions, feeling safer when invisible, or take on caregiving roles at the expense of their own needs. This may lead them to seek out partners who are emotionally distant or controlling, unconsciously mirroring their relationship with the narcissistic parent – re-enacting those old patterns, hoping for a different outcome, while staying within the comfort zone of the familiar.
Compete to Win: Earn Favour with the Parent or Lose Out
Narcissistic parents create an atmosphere of mistrust. To gain more power within the family unit, narcissistic parents will share gossip with their children (e.g. “Don’t tell your sister, but I found out that your cousin was caught shoplifting”) to foster a sense of “us versus them”. One sibling may feel special if a secret was shared with them and no one else, creating an unhealthy precedent of hearing gossip and innuendo as being loved and receiving a parent’s approval.
Narcissistic parents play favourites. If they prize academic achievement, for example, they might overlook a sibling who struggles in school, in favour of the one who gets straight A’s. If they favour physical appearance, they may prefer the child who is more conventionally attractive, as this boosts their own image. They might show partiality to a child who is socially adept or popular, as this too, enhances their own status by association. Children who are more accommodating and compliant to the parent’s needs or who align themselves closely with the parent’s views are often favoured because they are easier to control and manipulate. This may not only undermine sibling relationships but can lead siblings fighting for the parent’s attention and time.
Healing from Narcissistic Parenting
Narcissistic parenting can leave deep imprints on children’s psychological and relational development. While these internal rules and coping mechanisms may have helped them survive in their early years, they often lead to unfulfilling relationships and unmet attachment needs in adulthood.
The journey to heal from the impacts of narcissistic parenting involves unlearning the internal rules and survival strategies that were necessary in childhood but are harmful in adult relationships. Some key steps include:
Reclaiming Authentic Expression: Learning to identify, validate, and express emotions without fear of rejection or punishment is a crucial part of breaking old patterns. Learn to have your own identity – one that is separate from your parent figure, sibling/s or any others that you may have felt compared to across childhood. Trust takes time to develop, especially if you have experienced betrayal in the past. Work with your partner and close friends to build trust gradually through consistent, supportive interactions that allow you to embrace vulnerability, step by step.
Setting and Enforcing Boundaries: Developing healthy boundaries and practicing assertiveness helps establish a sense of autonomy and safety in relationships. If previous attempts to establish boundaries have been disrespected, it may be necessary to distance yourself to protect your sense of self and emotional health. It might also be necessary for parents to consider setting and enforcing protective boundaries for your partner and children if there are ongoing interactions with the narcissistic parent, now as a grandparent figure.
Building Self-Worth from Within: Shifting the focus from external validation to internal acceptance allows for a healthier sense of self that isn’t dependent on achievements or others’ approval. If interactions with a narcissistic parent or family members are harmful, toxic or impact upon your personal growth and feelings of self-worth, prioritising your mental and emotional well-being may require limiting or cutting off contact altogether. It’s important to assess what feels right for you personally to be able to process your feelings without ongoing hurtful influence or interference from a narcissistic parent.
Commit to Breaking the Cycle
Break the cycle of narcissism through developing healthy, authentic relationships. Focus on emotional honesty, vulnerability, and creating a support system that reflects mutual respect and care. While many will hope for a transformation in their relationship with a narcissistic parent, it’s essential to recognise that change is often slow and requires consistent effort from all parties involved.
Adult Intimate Relationships & Couples Counselling: A Way Back to (Secure) Base
Couples therapy can be instrumental in helping partners heal from narcissistic wounds. By providing a safe, structured space, therapy allows couples to explore and understand the impact of these early experiences on adult, relationship dynamics.
Relationship therapy supports partners in developing emotional intimacy, establishing healthy boundaries, and co-creating a secure attachment. Through this process, couples can transform old patterns and cultivate a relationship that nurtures both partners’ emotional needs and growth. Understanding these patterns and taking steps toward healing can empower individuals to build healthier, more authentic connections and break free from the legacy of narcissistic influence.
Written by Kasia Gordon, The Couples Clinic
October 2024
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